A blonde in church

An Mawar Sharon preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and don't intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."  

No one moved.

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now, stand and confess your transgression."

Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic, rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke,

'Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.'

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

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Rooster in Pants

A salesman is talking to a farmer when he looks over and sees a rooster wearing pants, a shirt, and suspenders. He says, "What the hell is that all about?"


The farmer says, "We had a fire in the chicken coop and all his feathers got singed off, so the wife made him some clothes to keep him warm. There ain't nothing funnier than watching him try to hold down a hen with one foot and get his pants down with the other."

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Fat Man's Prayer

By Victor Buono
Lord, my soul is ripped with riot
Incited by my wicked diet.


"We are what we eat," said a wise old man,
Lord, if that's true, I'm a garbage can.
To rise on Judgment Day, it's plain,
With my present weight, I'll need a crane.


So grant me strength that I may not fall,
Into the clutches of cholesterol.
May my flesh with carrot-curls be dated,
That my soul may be polyunsaturated


And show me the light that I may bear witness,
To the President's Council on Physical Fitness.
And at oleomargarine I'll never mutter,
For the road to Hell is paved with butter.


And cream is cursed; and cake is awful;
And Satan is hiding in every waffle.
Mephistopheles lurks in pepperoni,
The Devil himself in each slice of bologna.


Beelzebub is a chocolate drop,
And Lucifer is a lollipop.
Give me this day my daily slice,
Cut it thin and toast it twice.


I beg upon my dimpled knees,
Deliver me from jujube's.
And when my days of trial are done,
And my war with malted milk balls won,


Let me stand with Heavenly throng,
In a shining robe - size 30 long.
I can do it Lord, if you'll show to me,
The virtues of lettuce and celery.


Teach me the evil of mayonnaise,
And of pasta a la Milanese.
And crisp-fried chicken from the South,
Lord, if you love me, shut my mouth!


Amen

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Three Kinds

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, 'Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?'


The father, surprised, answers, 'Well, son, there are three kinds of Boobs. In her 20's, a woman's are like melons, round and firm. In her 30's to 40's, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions'.


'Onions?'


'Yes, you see them and they make you cry.'


This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, 'Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?'.


The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, 'Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30's and 40's, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50's, it is like a Christmas Tree.'


'A Christmas tree?'


'Yes - the root's dead and the balls are just for decoration.'

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